Freedom from Sin and Shame – Nancy Line
I
was brought up in a very dysfunctional family setting; I was the youngest of
three children, born 9 years after my brother and 12 years after my sister. My
mother was emotionally detached, and my father was self-employed and lived for
his work. He was never home and when he was, he was never involved with the
family.
Throughout the years of growing up I felt very insecure in most, if not in all, aspects of my life. Upon graduating from high school, I had to decide what I was going to do with my life. I decided to attend Central Michigan University. My mother was not supportive of my decision; she wanted me to stay home and go to school. Shortly after classes started in the fall of my freshman year I fell into a deep depression with frequent suicidal thoughts.
At Central, my roommate and I became very good friends. She was always there for me, and accepted me without reservations, just as I was. After some time she was able to fill that hole that I had felt inside. The attraction between us became very intense and we entered into a homosexual relationship. I knew from the very conception of this relationship that it was wrong, but I totally ignored that fact. She was making me happy – I didn’t need anything else. We both agreed to keep this a secret, and tried to deceive relatives and friends by dating guys; but in the end, we were hurting each other. I felt that I had become very dependent on her emotionally and at times I was physically and emotionally abusive towards her.
After a seven year relationship, she found someone else and ended her relationship with me. My world was shattered. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I couldn’t share this with anyone.
During this time, I had gone to church a couple times with my sister who is a Christian. She prayed for me for 15 years, because she knew I was hurting and searching. I would always tell her, “Your religion is good for you, but don’t push it on me.”
One Sunday, after the break up, my sister asked me to meet her at church. After the service, I fell apart. She asked me if I needed Jesus in my life now, and I told her yes. As I sat there praying and asking Jesus into my heart, I didn’t think anything of it, until that night. It was the first night I had peace. John 14:27 says “I leave you peace; my peace I give you. I do not give it to you as the world does. So don’t let your hearts be troubled or afraid.”
I knew at this point, I could not enter into the homosexual lifestyle again, I prayed for release and our awesome God granted my prayer. I no longer have an attraction for women. Galatians 5:24 reads, “Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified their own sinful selves. They have given up their old selfish feelings and the evil things they wanted to do.”
I wish I could say that things went great after this but I had a lot of emotional and spiritual growing to do, but how was I going to accomplish that without sharing my secret? I swore I would not tell anyone, especially Christians, because of the fear I had that they would reject me.
After some time had passed, I met a very good friend. I was extremely frightened that if she found out about my past homosexual relationship, she would not understand and reject me as her friend.
One day when I was feeling that I couldn’t hold my secret in anymore, the word, “homosexual” came out of my mouth. I fell to the floor with embarrassment and shame. What a release that was! To my surprise and delight she accepted and loved me with unconditional love.
After
revealing this, I found a counseling group called Exodus International. I was
directed to Reconciliation Ministries here in Michigan and joined the Living
Waters group.
Romans 6:6 says, “We know that our old life died with Christ on the cross so that our sinful selves would have no power over us and we would not be slaves to sin.”
Living a homosexual lifestyle and then coming out of that type of relationship was difficult. I never could have imagined that I would be sharing my life story, but the Lord had other plans. We have to present ourselves as Jesus to hurting people.
No matter what sin you have committed, whether it is homosexuality, adultery, lying, or stealing. God looks at those sins all the same – no sin is bigger than the other. That is something I had to learn the hard way. God loves you more than you can even imagine. If you repent of your sins, He will forgive you. I know He forgave me. A good friend shared this with me and I make certain to remember it daily, Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.”
If you would like more information about Reconciliation Ministries, or any of the ministries we offer, visit us on the Web at www.recmin.org, or call (586) 739-5114. You may also e-mail us at info@recmin.org. All correspondence will be kept strictly confidential.
Our office is located at 25410, in Roseville, Michigan 48066.
Reconciliation Ministries is an affiliate ministry of Exodus International, and uses many of the programs written by Desert Stream Ministries.
© Reconciliation Ministries 2004