Set Free

Set Free

This testimony tells the author’s story of the devastation of emotional and sexual abuse and the power of Jesus Christ to deliver him from the bondage of drugs, alcohol, and homosexuality.

When I was five years old, my parents divorced due, in part, to my dad’s issues with alcohol and drugs, leaving my mother, myself and two younger brothers on welfare support. The few occasions spent with my dad were usually marked by some sort of trauma. Whether it be destroying my toys because of his curiosity to know its contents, throwing a live mouse in the fireplace, ‘play’ wrestle until I was in serious pain or spanking to the point of beating, I usually felt unsafe and insecure with him.

Shortly after the divorce, my mom soon married my step dad. He and I were never really able to get along. One of my earliest memories involved him throwing me into the middle of a backyard swimming pool when I wasn’t yet able to swim. As I sank, my uncle pulled me back up to the surface. For them, the event was funny, but for me it was traumatic. I resented the authority that my step dad had in the house. He attempted to control us kids with a sort of militant approach. He had a cold, sarcastic personality about him, and an attitude that reflected his annoyance with taking on three additional kids. Family and friends were often intimidated by his irritable demeanor. My mom somewhat controlled their relationship, usually criticizing him, leaving him quiet.

My brothers and I would rely on mom to control the situation. However, there were times when mom wasn’t always there. When I was about eight years old. My step dad must have heard me make a derogatory remark about the human body, because the next thing I knew, he was calling me into his bedroom. He exposed himself to me and asked what I thought was so funny. When he finally let me leave the room, an unexplainable feeling of shame came over me as I pondered the thought of how my dad and grandfather would’ve reacted in the situation. Sometime later, I remember telling my mom about it, but she sort of dismissed the whole thing.

A few years later, my step dad again asked me to come into his bedroom after overhearing my brother and I talking about girls. This time, there was a friendly tone to his voice as he candidly approached the discussion of sexuality. It was almost like a father/son talk about sex, except that towards the end of the discussion, he asked if I’d like to experiment sexually with him. Out of embarrassment, I declined, however it set the stage for a number of other scenarios that would eventually take place, including the sexual abuse that followed over the next four years.

In school, I was usually quiet, giving ample opportunity for peer ridicule. Not being able to turn to a male figure I trusted, I quickly became the target for a number of shame-filled assaults to my masculinity. Harassment often plagued me, leaving me feeling separated from my peers. I gravitated toward friendship with girls and felt much more comfortable relating to them than with the ‘competitive’ nature of boys. In the midst of an already confused gender identity, I found myself becoming attracted to other boys. I desired a connection with other males, but felt that I could really only gain their approval by pleasing them sexually, instead of relying on my adequacy as a male friend. My relationship with my step dad didn’t help. During those times, I remember crying out to God, asking Him why he put this man in my life.

Shortly after high school, I discovered the gay bar scene. The attention and admiration I received from other men quickly drew me into the lifestyle. I wanted my whole life to revolve around this new experience which seemed to offer an escape from my past inadequacies and failures. Though I deeply wanted men to be attracted to me, I also found that I wanted to push them away emotionally. Relationships soon began to be an empty, lonely game of cat and mouse. Pornography and video stores became my main outlet. One night, as I was driving to the video store, I remember thinking how intent I was on going. Thinking to myself, that I would probably enter that store even if I knew there was a bomb on the premises just so that I could feel that “rush” of release. The thought somewhat scared me and was likely one of the promptings that caused me to realize that something needed to change. I had contracted a contagious skin disease called scabies. Medication was prescribed which temporarily alleviated the problem… until I would go back to the bars and contaminate myself all over again. Looking back, I believe God used this time to separate me from the lifestyle and its surroundings.

I began to have discussions with my mom about Jesus. I knew about Jesus from going to church as a kid, but never really gave much thought of Him in my life. One night, after a discussion we had at a coffee house, I found myself driving home thinking how I was living my life. Specifically, how much I had hurt other people in my life. I began to sob. I wanted to change. I pulled into my garage, looked up and accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. At that moment, a rush of warmth and peace flooded my entire body and I began to say, ”this is real….this is real…”. I began saying to God that He would have to be the one who would change me because I knew that I couldn’t change myself. I tried in the past, but it never worked. A couple days later, my grandfather gave me a book about a man who left the homosexuality by following Jesus. I related to many of the experiences he went through both as a child and as a man in the gay community. God was answering my prayer for change by showing me that even someone with my background could be given a new life. Since then, the Lord has faithfully brought me out of drugs, alcohol, and sexual promiscuity. The walk hasn’t been without its many challenges, but He is still faithful to pick up the pieces.

Through Living Waters, I learned a lot about the root causes of my sexual brokenness. Seeing how my need for same sex connection and affirmation had been misplaced by broken boundaries. I also learned that God can reach us where we're at and how He can truly lift up a heart that is humbled before Him.

One of the most awesome experiences in my walk as a Christian was when God taught me to love another person, despite of what they had done to me. It was the kind of love that went beyond the offense and saw the perpetrator as another broken, sin-scarred being, who needed to know that there is forgiveness and love, even for them, as there had been for me. Freeing me from the torment of hate and releasing me to love compassionately.

If you would like more information about Reconciliation Ministries, or any of the ministries we offer, visit us on the Web at www.recmin.org, or call (586) 739-5114. You may also e-mail us at info@recmin.org. All correspondence will be kept strictly confidential.

Our office is located at 25410, in Roseville, Michigan 48066.

Reconciliation Ministries is an affiliate ministry of Exodus International, and uses many of the programs written by Desert Stream Ministries.