Forgiveness with Boundaries

Over the years, I’ve heard a lot of conflicting messages about forgiveness. Some of those messages caused more pain to those who were already deeply wounded. Some demand instant forgiveness for truly devastating wounds. Others say we haven’t forgiven if we still feel the pain of the offense. I’ve heard unrepentant offenders insist on forgiveness and demand that trust and reconciliation accompany that forgiveness. What do we make of all this and more?

Forgiveness and healing are two different processes. They are often interwoven. Sometimes our hearts need to experience healing in order to forgive, and sometimes we need to forgive in order to heal. The Lord asks us to be open to Him in these processes. True forgiveness may take time for healing and learning to understand the effects of the offense. Bitterness can keep us trapped in our wounds.

The Lord asks us to lay down our anger and resentment towards those who wound us. Human, emotional forgiveness is different from the judicial forgiveness of one’s sins that only God can provide. Judicial forgiveness from God requires a repentant heart. Laying down our resentment towards those who wounded us is independent of the attitude of our offender. Even if our offender is unrepentant and happy that he has wounded us, human forgiveness frees us from being emotionally captive to our pain.

Forgiveness is also different from trust and restoration of relationship. Trust must be earned. Even though we may have forgiven someone, their continued actions may prove they remain untrustworthy. We are not required to restore relationships with dangerous people. There may also be situations where our offenders may actually be repentant and trustworthy; however, the situation may not require a restoration of relationship. We can practice forgiveness with boundaries.